Not enough heart-space

Why do I fall in love so easily with places, and so sparingly with people? 

I've never cried as much over a boy as I did when I left Spain. Hours on the plane, and then every day after, counting the number of days I'd been gone. How high did I get to before I forced myself to stop counting? I can't remember now, but it's written in an old journal somewhere.

I've never looked at so many pictures, over and over, of a boy as I do at pictures of Alaska. Following accounts on Instagram, setting pictures as my computer background, re-living times and adventures by looking through my albums from my season in  Denali. 

I've never been so comfortable with a boy as I am when I go home. I can be doing projects, or lazy, outside, or in, but everything from the house to the familiar mountains to family and the dogs is home-y and renewing. 

It's like a part of my metaphorical anatomy is a little off-center. There's too much space for places, and gets bigger and bigger the more I go, the more I see, the more I love. There's not enough place for romance, and seems to dwindle with un-use. The longer I'm single, the harder and harder it is to make that first step, try dating someone. People keep telling me that high standards are good, and not to settle...and always seem to critique the boys that fleetingly catch my interest. 

Maybe now that I'm stuck in a place, I can somehow make a little more space--even out the compartments a bit, and try to love someone. Maybe it will be easier the more I let go. Maybe, If I just try. 

A-H: a summary of me

A: Aimless. Me, a bit aimless. Not that it comes as a surprise to anyone. I used to write ideas for my college major on a white board and leave it outside my dorm room for people to vote on. It was usually hijacked...

B: Boys. Continual cause/source of interest, annoyance, frustration, and dismissal. Not necessarily in that sequence, though it's not uncommon.
C: Commitment. Something I'm still working on in most aspects of my life. :P Mostly ok with the lack of, though should probably apply a bit of it at some point, especially in the area of Careers, another C word I'm working on...
D: Dog. Want one. Can't have one, too gypsy.
E: Everything. What I want to do/see. Keeps a girl a bit on the restless side.
F: Family. When I tell people about my family, they're almost always amazed and a bit jealous. With good reason...I've grown up with such impressive role models and love and talent.
G: Garden! I've had a lot of fun gardening this year. My current house has some raised beds, but unfortunately the makers did not fill them with topsoil but rather...sand. Or whatever you call NM "soil." Despite this, I've managed to grow some tasty treats:

H: Home. Where I am right now, enjoying a glass of wine and listening to Allison Krauss. It's been a good day: delicious fancy cafe con leche, peach pancakes, a pretty run, visit with my brother and his family, swimming in the pool, beer, yummy food, homemade ice cream, an impressive thunderstorm, guitar playing, popcorn. Hard to beat.

so many questions

Tonight I'm actually home alone, with nothing pressing to do, and no crazy plans until tomorrow. It's a rare thing, so my head is full of thoughts, mainly questions, on this perfect summery twilit evening:

- Why am I watching the sunset in the reflection of the window, instead of turning my chair around?
- How did I forget to buy wine at the store today to go with my fresh, homemade pesto?
- Why am I single?
- Will the fertilizer sticks actually help my stunted plants grow?
- Can someone just pay me to play in the garden all day?
- Will drinking iced coffee at 8:30 pm keep me from sleeping tonight?
- Should I go blues dancing, or stay at home and write letters, pack up winter things, clean, and read my Hemmingway book or watch a movie?
- Will I be able to stay longer than 6 months at my new job? Will anyone else hire me if my job history is just a series of 6 month adventures/boredoms?
- Why did I not go back to Alaska this summer?
- Where should I move when I'm done with ABQ?
- Should I go to Potlatch, or skip it, in favor of other, new trips, like Yosemite?
- Who is going to teach me to fly fish?
- Should I take tango lessons? Or hip hop? Or guitar? Or try to get into a ceramics studio? Or write more?
- How long would it take to become and architect of bridges?

<- ->

Sometimes my life just seems comical to me. Today was an example of this. I got up early, made delicious breakfast, dressed for PT, and drove out to the other side of the Sandias (mountain range bordering ABQ to the East) to train with some of the engine crew for wildland fire suppression. (We did the "fitness trail" which is a half mile figure eight along the side of a hill you can repeat as many times as you wish; we didn't do enough laps for it to be too hard, I was a bit disappointed.) After PT I took a chainsaw and felling class. I've already had it, but a refresher's nice, since I haven't used a saw in a while. As soon as class was out in the afternoon, I rushed home, showered, dressed professionally, put on make-up, and went to a fancy hotel downtown. I had RSVP-ed a while ago for a "networking and info session" with the Dept. of State, Foreign Service. (I've applied to a few jobs previously, and thought this might be helpful; it wasn't. I knew everything from FAQ pages, videos, and personal stories I'd read online, and there were no personal communication availability with panel members. Oh well.) I like the juxtaposition of 8 am, PT and chainsaw theory with a bunch of tattooed firefighters -> 8 pm business attire and heels listening to advice on applying for State Department Civil and Foreign Service careers. The only quote I remember from the evening was, "in the foreign service, you will never be bored." Maybe I'm on the right (12) track(s).

All the jobs

Two of my friends were brainstorming a single phrase that could identify various friends without any other context. The one they suggested for me was, "I want all the jobs!" Humorous, and pretty true. That or, I want none of the jobs, with the manner in which I seem to discard them.

So far this year (2 months) I have applied to at least the following jobs: ESL teacher at a community college, Spanish instructor at two different private high schools, consular adjudicator in a Latin American country for the State Department, raft guide, living history interpreter, railroad station agent, interpretive coach, and auditioned for an acting agency. Pretty typical for my spread of interests, as well as quantity of options I try to give myself, but this might be getting to be a bit much, even for me.

I started taking classes last year at a community college, hoping to feel out electricity (with thoughts of entering the solar field) and nursing. This year I got a job in an ER which is great experience, but very low pay and usually a bad schedule. I'm also taking four science courses, pre-reqs for nursing, since I decided that route made more sense. But now...of course I'm having second thoughts (or forty-second). I very much dislike being back in school at age twenty-eight for an associates or maybe bachelor's degree, when I already have a master's. I very much dislike using my savings because I'm not getting paid enough to pay my bills and loans each month. I very much dislike staying home to study every weekend while my friends go on adventures. I realize these problems are *very* "first world," so feel free to stop reading if you're disgusted. It is frustrating, though, to feel as if I'm starting from scratch, and my past education and experience mean nothing.

Six years out of college I should be qualified for jobs other than, "entry level," but because I haven't stayed in one field for long enough, I don't have the minimum experience required to meet expectations for many employers. I personally think my broad range of experiences makes me *more* qualified to do almost any given job, as I have such a diversified background, but try explaining that to an automated computer screening system.

I'm ready for a more "career" job. The problem is that I very intensely crave job satisfaction, and thus far have been unable to find it for more than about six months, and its daunting to think about spending another two years in school, going into more debt, to do something I'm unsure about. That's what my first liberal arts degree was for, right? I don't have time to spend looking for an applying to jobs all over the country. I don't have time or money to go back to school four more times. At some point I have to decide on something certain and commit to it, or settle for something and obligate myself to understand that satisfaction can be found in other areas of life and the job I do doesn't have to be the *best* job that exists for me, and perfectly match my interests and skills. (A remarkably similar parallel could be drawn to my romantic history, or lack thereof.)

Possibilities include: architect, landscape architect, nurse, teacher, pilot, journalist/writer, ASL interpreter, Spanish interpreter, Forest Service or Park Service career path, actor, carpenter, firefighter, speech/language pathologist...so whenever I decide, I'll let you know. Don't hold your breath, it might take another 28 years.