Sunday, February 17, 2013

sometimes it be that way

Sometimes, and often when I read Neil Gaiman? I think I could be a writer. And then I proceed to not-write for a very long time. Why is that? Obviously it has something to do with my continued obsession with thinking about just about everything I could possibly do and not doing any of them. Course, I’m changing that, and doing three or four right now: taking classes toward nursing, electricity (solar) and ASL (not that I’d be able to interpret for another decade or so, at the rate I’m learning, but it’s still fun, and been on my list of things to do/learn for ages) and um, also got some headshots done for future potential acting/modeling. Hah. Okay, got it out.

Anyway, I've decided that what I lack is certainly not ideas, but rather the audacity to discard them. I can’t stand letting go of possibilities, and so I try to wrangle everything all at once.  It works occasionally— I've combined trips, or attended multiple parties in one night—but at some point, I've got to just embrace something and go for it. (This is when I am about to write, “and then when I want a career change, I can come back to the others!”  but I’m afraid unlike most people who want a career change after 15 or 20 years, I’ll want it after 6 months. Curses. )

In the end, our careers do not define us. Or shouldn't.  So it’s okay if I don’t manage to find my dream job, or something that fits me perfectly, or I am excited to do (except for some Monday mornings) and actually enjoy… Yeah, I actually want a job I enjoy, so scratch that.  And then I come back to the idea of vocation, rather than just occupation.  Way back in high school (you know, ‘cause that was *so* long ago) I wrote down a quote about your vocation being the place where your deep gladness and the world’s great hunger meet. Which is a perfectly wonderful, if slightly idyllic definition, and would make this whole deciding so much easier…if only I knew WHERE MY DEEP GLADNESS was! My PASSION. I’ve got like 35, have I mentioned? Although I guess they wouldn't really classify as passions, since I distractedly move from one to the other like a ferret chasing bouncy balls on a trampoline.

So I guess I just pick something, and if it can be considered worthwhile for at least a portion of humanity, and I can be happy that I am doing more help than harm in the world, I should just do it. Plenty of time for adventuring on the side, if my job doesn't include chasing falcons or sailing about on tropical waters.

I almost sound convinced. 

the trouble with witches. or boys:

I like boys who carry books in their back pocket
I like boys who correct my grammar--or could, at least 
I like boys who learn to cook 
who recycle 
who write letters 
I like boys who make music 
and boys who play sports 
and think I like boys that travel all over the world, 
and speak several languages 
better than me 
I like boys who like all the same things as me... 

but apparently, 
I don't like boys who like me.